The reasons why the girl is not married yet. Why not married? On the one hand, one should learn to maintain composure, not make sudden movements and not roll up scenes.

Among my friends and acquaintances, there are many unmarried over 25 years old. Why are they not married? Here are some reasons for their loneliness.
Reason one: self-doubt
Olga is 30 years old, but she looks in her early 20s. Nice, well-groomed young woman. She is well educated, fluent in two foreign languages, attends a fitness club, enjoys cooking, cross-stitching and flower growing. In addition, she does not smoke or drink. Despite all these advantages, she does not develop relationships with young people and never has affairs. Since her youth, Olga has been shy about men. When a young man tries to get to know her, the girl withdraws into herself. When a colleague offers to give her a lift home in a car, she reluctantly agrees and all the way tensely looks for topics for conversation, fearing an awkward silence.
It is not surprising that Olga does not have a romantic relationship, she herself avoids men. As a child, she was an ugly duckling. At best, the boys did not notice her, at worst, they mocked her. Over time, Olga grew up, prettier, men began to pay attention to her, but fear and uncertainty remained and continue to spoil her life.
Women with self-doubt often have the qualities of wonderful wives and mothers, but low self-esteem prevents them from establishing their personal lives.

Reason two: a very strong desire to get married
Irina is 29 years old, she is a single mother. Irina literally "hangs up" on men. As soon as she meets someone, she immediately takes the initiative, takes a phone number, invites you to a cafe. But after several meetings, her chosen one simply disappears, frightened by Irina's pressure. And she is driven by despair "After thirty, a man cannot be picked up at all, and I am still with a child ..." - she complains.
A strong desire to get married makes a woman too assertive and fussy, which repels men from her.

Reason three: high self-esteem
Alina (27 years old) is a tall, spectacular blonde, always fashionably and elegantly dressed. She spends half of her secretary's salary on outfits, a hairdresser and luxury cosmetics, the other half goes to pay for a rented apartment. Alina has many fans: they often try to get to know her on the street, colleagues invite her for a cup of coffee after work. But the girl rebuffs everyone, not seeing a worthy man among the many candidates. In the past, she had an affair with a successful businessman. Then she literally "bathed" in luxury and felt like behind a stone wall. But her chosen one was married, and they had to part. Since then, Alina believes that she deserves only well-to-do, self-confident and strong-minded men in leadership positions. "I deserve the best, that's why my man should be the best!"
Excessive requirements for the future chosen one are characteristic of many modern young women. It is difficult to say whether this is the correct position, because one may not wait for the "prince on a white horse", but marrying the first comer, just because the age has approached, is also not an option. Perhaps you should lower the bar and not be too demanding of men.

Reason four: hatred of men
Alla is 32 years old. She is completely alone, her mother died recently, and she has no relatives left.
In Alla's life there were many short novels and fleeting relationships, most often with married men. "All men are bastards," says Alla, "even the most faithful husband can be seduced." And she successfully proves this to herself. There is no such thing as fidelity for Alla, she can "twist" novels at the same time with several men, without feeling the slightest remorse. "If they can, then why can't I?"
Alla's father left the family when the girl was only 3 years old. At the age of 14, she was abused by an elderly acquaintance of her mother. Not surprisingly, after such traumatic events, hostility towards men has taken root in her, and she is unable to build full-fledged relationships with the opposite sex.
The traumatic events of childhood and adolescence, when the men around the girl caused her moral and physical pain, often become the cause of hatred and mistrust of men. The girl does not see examples of positive male behavior and, growing up, remains confident that all "men are bastards." Such an attitude makes it difficult to build full-fledged family relationships.

Reason five: career
Marina is 31 years old, she is a successful businesswoman, director of a branch of a large company. She began her career 10 years ago in one of the most modest positions. Her energy, perseverance and hard work contributed to her career growth. After 5 years, she was already deputy general director, and she was offered to head a branch in another city. Marina agreed without hesitation. Now all her time is occupied by work, which she is completely passionate about. She just has no time to meet men and think about her personal life.
Work, especially if it is interesting and responsible, is able to suck in a person with his head and leave no time for organizing his personal life.

Reason six: unwillingness to sacrifice yourself for the sake of another person
Yulia is 26 years old, she has been dating her boyfriend for 4 years already. He repeatedly offered her to marry him, but the girl refused every time, explaining that she did not want to live with her mother-in-law. When the young man rented a separate apartment for them, Yulia did not want to live there either - the new apartment seemed uncomfortable to her. In the family, Julia was an only child, her parents pampered her and raised her as a person unable to reckon with the opinions of others. She is not ready to sacrifice her comfort for the sake of living together with her fiancé.
Women who are not accustomed from childhood to take care of others often do not feel the need for altruism and self-sacrifice in a relationship with a loved one. Therefore, they are not very eager to get married. They are quite satisfied with the life to which they are accustomed, and they are in no hurry to change it.

Reason seven: inertia and laziness
The life of twenty-eight-year-old Katya is similar to “Groundhog Day”: work - home - work ... She spends the weekend in front of the TV and occasionally gets out somewhere with friends. She has no fans, because Katya is not at all concerned with her appearance. “I don’t have time to do my hair in the morning”, “Heels are uncomfortable to walk”, “Cosmetics are expensive”
She treats her loneliness philosophically: "So it's not destiny ..."
Routine sometimes pulls us into its cycle, but we must have the strength to break out of it, because time passes very quickly.
Of course, not all the psychological reasons why a woman does not marry are presented here. In any case, in order to connect your fate with another person for a long time, you need such qualities as empathy, a desire to understand, respect for the chosen one.

30 years is a turning point in life. The carelessness of twenty-year-olds is left behind. Society recognizes you as a truly adult. But many women from the millennial generation admit that life at thirty is not at all what they imagined it to be.

Millennials prefer to get married later or abandon the family altogether. Attitudes towards marriage are changing. However, many women feel pressure from relatives, friends, and even strangers. Society encourages them to lead a more traditional lifestyle.

We have collected the opinions of women who have already crossed the threshold of their thirties or are on the verge of it. They told how life is in the “new world”.

"The heart is ready to jump out of the chest with happiness"

“From my own experience, I can say that most women have a hard time meeting their thirties. They are experiencing mini-depression. I think this is one of the most terrible times in their life. I just turned 30 - June 11th. Among all my friends, only I happily met this day.

In my youth, my whole life was planned out. I thought that I would get married at 23, have three children, we will live in a beautiful house with an ideal husband. Now it's funny for me to even talk about it. I had no idea what world I lived in.

I gave up the traditional dream of family happiness because life took an unexpected turn. At 24, I went to live in Chile and never looked back. Now I travel across the Americas, work remotely, and write a blog. I enjoy every second of my free life. Sometimes it seems to me that my heart is ready to jump out of my chest with happiness. I never thought that life would be like this. Sometimes the universe has more in store for us than we expected. "

Anna, 30 years old

"Married girlfriends are constantly asking if I have anyone."

“I attended two weddings over the weekend. I really started to worry that I was almost 30 and not married. I will turn thirty on October 4th. To be honest, I'm scared. In my youth, I thought that life would be completely different. I imagined that I would be married, with children and a successful career. My dreams didn’t come true.

Married girlfriends constantly ask if I have anyone. Others give me advice on meeting men. This is demoralizing. To be honest, I feel pressure not only from the outside, but also from the inside. I thought I was going to get married by the age of 30, and now I am upset that this did not happen.

My friends give birth to their second child. The children I looked after in my youth are already having children themselves. It’s not easy to get through. I know that everything has its time. But as the 30th birthday approaches, I wonder - what if my time never comes?

To deal with my birthday panic, I planned a solo trip during this time. I will go where I have wanted for a long time: to Greece. This is the advantage of an unmarried life: I can pack up and leave at any time. I do not need to report or look for a nanny for the child. I am only responsible for myself. "

Nina, 30 years old

"It's better to be an attractive single mother than to be stuck in a loveless marriage."

“My experiences are different from the fears of most unmarried women, because I have already become a mother. If at 21 I was told that by the time I was 30 I would be a single mother with two children working full time without help from my husband, boyfriend, or numerous relatives, I would have thrown myself off a cliff.

But I'm glad no one told me about it. Now I will not trade my thorny path for anything. I love my children. I am proud to be able to take care of them myself. Sometimes my friends with traditional lifestyles judge me. They do not understand how I can live peacefully alone. They wonder why I focus on children instead of actively looking for a man. But I am not worried about it. Better to be an attractive single mother than to be stuck in a loveless marriage. "

Katya, 30 years old

"I made a choice in favor of a career"

“At work, I run into professional athletes every day. The first thing they ask is why I am alone. I usually answer that I travel a lot or that I am currently focusing on my career. But I feel pressure from society - I need to settle down, get married and have a child. I compare my Instagram photos to the posts of friends who are married and wonder what it's like to live their life. But, most likely, they think the same when looking at my page.

My parents support me and do not push me to get married. Mom often says that she is jealous of my opportunity to live for myself. She admires that I can dine alone in a restaurant without embarrassment. Married friends say they admire my independence. But this independence scares me. The longer I live on my own, the more difficult it will be to tailor my life to the other person.

On the eve of my thirtieth birthday, I was in New York for work. Colleagues threw a fancy party, but on the way back on the plane, I had time to think. I compared my life with the one that I imagined in my youth. I asked myself - am I really happy? I do not know the answer to this question. I'm not sure I'll ever know him. I made a choice in favor of a career. Time will tell if he was right. In the meantime, I like to go with the flow and pamper myself with fashionable clothes. "

Veronica, 30 years old

"People don't take our relationship seriously."

“I am the daughter of Southeast Asian immigrants. I always thought my life would be traditional and old-fashioned. In our culture, the roles of the sexes are very clearly divided: the man is the breadwinner and the head of the house, the woman is engaged in cooking, cleaning and raising children. My mother cooked for 10 people, and she ate only after the men finished. This is what my life was supposed to look like.

Instead, I now have a master's degree, a great job, two dogs, and a loving boyfriend. I don't even plan to marry him and have children. My family respects my choice, but does not understand why I avoid marriage. We have been together for 10 years. We like our relationship as it is.

We don't want to spend a fortune on a wedding just to please relatives. My boyfriend is a descendant of Korean immigrants. At any family holiday, relatives on both sides bother us with questions when we register the relationship.

The pressure isn't just from the family. I am happy with my life, but some married girlfriends are offended by this. Every day I hear from them: "Why don't you register a relationship?" or: "You won't understand what real obligations are until you sign."

It's sad that people don't take our relationship seriously. We've been together longer than many married couples. We don't need a scrap of paper to prove how much we love each other. From the point of view of the state, I am not married. But relatives and friends know that I have a partner for life. "

Zoya, 30 years old

"I'm afraid my parents will be upset."

We had a bachelorette party over the weekend for the last unmarried high school friend. By tradition, the bride keeps the elements of the entourage and the inflatable man named Mark until the next bachelorette party. There are five of us, the tradition began in 2012, at the wedding of the first girlfriend. Since then, there has always been an engaged girl in our company. We knew where Mark would appear next.

But now everything is different. I'm not engaged, I don't have a boyfriend. The girlfriends shouted anyway: “Alice, you are next! Mark is waiting for you! " I laughed and played along with them, but I thought to myself - suddenly this was the last holiday for Mark.

I'm not sure if I'm destined to get married. I turned 30 in October and I'm still alone. The previous 10 years have been amazing. I was involved in hospitality and entertainment PR in Las Vegas, worked with the stars and attended events that were broadcast to the whole world. I got my master's degree and traveled a lot. But I was not lucky with love, only a few short novels.

Two years ago, I returned to Chicago because I had no hope of meeting the right man in Las Vegas. I thought I'd be more fortunate in the Midwest where I grew up. Hopes did not come true, but I am not discouraged. I have great friends in Chicago. I have a favorite job and a charming dog. I take care of him like a child. I have a wonderful house and a nice car, I travel a lot.

Compared to my high school friends, I have a really exciting life. They think so too. But after events like bachelorette parties, I want to live like theirs. Plus, parents are getting old. I am worried that I am depriving them of something important. I am afraid that my parents will be upset: my father did not lead me to the altar, my mother did not raise a grandson from her only daughter.

Parents do not often bring up this topic, but I know - they think about it. I will not lie - I want to get married and have children. But in my youth it all seemed self-evident to me. I always knew that by the age of 27 I would get married and have a child by the age of 30. Now I understand: this will not happen by itself. "

Well, did she live to be 30 without getting married, without having children? Congratulations, you're an old maid. And even if the evil grannies at the entrance do not call you that in the eyes, you can definitely see the sidelong glances, and you hear sympathetic sighs.

Don't tell me you didn't do it yourself. That at twenty she did not look askance at thirty-year-old acquaintances with the thought of how mercilessly they patted the same ten years when they had to get married and give birth. Remember, you thought so: “What is this Masha digging for? I would take any man, it's time to give birth, the clock is ticking. " Now what? Now you yourself are such a Masha.

Well, not at twenty. At twenty I still don't want to get married: life is too exciting without it. But by 25, panic begins. If before that time she did not become someone's - but at least someone's - lawful wife, that's all, life is not sweet, it is unloved to itself. Turned 26 - you try on dark clothes of the "hoodie" style, light it up, revise your cosmetic bag for glitter, turn off the color. You straighten the errors of the language: no slang, no chances, no options. More and more often you are late at work. But you are not put in the boss's chair.

And at first you are gnawed by some vague doubts about the fact that you put your life in the wrong place and completely covered it with the wrong one. And then - just in time for thirty - lets go. And you don't care. You no longer want a new chair, you are - here it is, a full-fledged developed personality. Languages, travel, weekend rumba.

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Who already has something to prove? It all worked out.

You now come with bright lipstick, stilettos and complete independence. Once, pouring dry food to the cat in the half-light of the kitchen illuminated by the open refrigerator, you suddenly realize that your life has failed. What you have been doing all this time to anyone, including you, is unnecessary, and you yourself are old and unnecessary to anyone. And you put on your best hat, take out a little Beretta from the elastic of your stocking, and shoot a bullet in your forehead like any self-respecting nonentity.

Come on, of course not. Where did you get the ancient stockings with elastic band? Silicone is already everywhere. Therefore, this story will have a different ending.

Maybe it's enough to listen to those who are inside the stereotype and think that women at thirty with an uncomfortable personal life howl like a wolf at the full moon and gnaw their veins with their teeth in order to die at least from blood loss, since it has not grown together with Beretta? Look back at the past decade: well, that you were never really married or what? Think about it, why didn't you come out? Do you know why. I did everything right.

And look around. Those who baptize you when they meet and splash with holy water because they are not like them. Oh, poor thing, they say. Well, nothing, they say, and you, girl, will be lucky. Look what happened to them. Okay, I agree, Lyuba has a good case. Husband, family and even twins: shot once for herself and for that guy. Well, what about the rest? How many experiences of divorces, alimony, cannibalistic husbands and "vamping" mothers-in-law with a dog and sterile sex? There will be more of them than one lucky Lyuba.

It is possible to be lonely and even unloved in marriage.

If you think big, look around and admit to yourself: even now it's not a problem to find a husband. The boyfriends are no less than five years ago, and some of them are really set for a serious relationship. Yes, the same Vitya, whom you have been dynamic for the third week. But you do not want for the first comer. You want and expect love. And we affirm that everything can work out. Maybe even tomorrow. Only you are no longer twenty, and you will build your relationship without rushing into the pool without reasoning. In addition to love, you will need mutual respect, the ability to exchange warmth, the desire to create comfort. Your marriage will be different. He will be the best.

And you are right that you do not marry, guided by public opinion. Look around: mostly divorces just turned out to be those that seven years ago clinked their tongues and shook their heads: “What are you doing, girl? You will stay in the old maidens! I'm with my husband. Bad, but mine. " They got married, realizing that they were marrying an "inferior" one. In the back of their minds, a monotonous metronome sounded, counting the number of years of hassle before divorce, because "you can't live with him." But they walked. They were there. To say, “Marry? I was there, I didn’t like it ”.

Well, what for the sake of being afraid to remain an old maid?

Well, now - yes, breathe out. If doubts gnawed at you, if you thought that you were doing something wrong, not according to the plan, not according to the precepts of Ilyich and in defiance of society, then exhale. Everything is fine with you, you shouldn't have married anybody, since you didn't want to. So for some reason it was necessary. And first of all it was necessary for you yourself. You acted in accordance with your inner feelings and did not become a traitor only because of the pressure of society, which requires you to comply with the rules invented by someone. You formed, grew and developed. And you became confident, feminine, beautiful. Your life is in full swing, and romantic adventures are just beginning. Happiness ends up not in marriage. Happiness is within you.

The fact is that life is becoming more complicated (or simplified, as you look at) - all these open marriages, half-open marriages and other polyamory offer a certain number of unexplored paths and intricate plots ranging from an easy swing to an antisocial contract. This is no longer a question of secret dates and the corresponding remorse - no, some girls quite officially enter into love relationships, maintaining no less formal marriage ties. There will always be a dozen good reasons why she wants to maintain the status quo, accompanying your dates unchanged "I love you, but you have to enter into my position." These can be children, the desired position (in society) and the observance of reputational formalities, finally, elementary well-being, a habit or unwillingness to leave the comfort zone. However, you should also think about the reasons that may force you to maintain such a relationship.

1.On the one hand, one should learn to maintain composure, not make sudden movements and not roll up scenes -

the situation is already quite tense, and it's easy to explode here. It is not necessary, in particular, to constantly think about who in this situation looks more flawed: in any triple alliance, as a rule, everyone is flawed to one degree or another, this plot was repeatedly painted by the most subtle masters of word and plot - from Jean Cocteau to Trifonov. Therefore, it is especially important here, as they say, to save face, it requires exactly that subtlety - in fact, like a threesome.

2. On the other hand, try to determine what kind of game she is playing with you and what is your role in it.

Agree that in this situation she always wins, so a bit of healthy misogyny will not hurt you. And she, of course, plays with you - watch the classic film on this topic, "Jules and Jim", where the heroine of Jeanne Moreau directly states: "I don't want to be understood!" Consider that not only you are destroying the family, but this family is also destroying you, so learn to protect yourself. There is an old story "Appearance and Reality": a rich hero finds his girlfriend with a young lover. In order to save, as was said in our first paragraph, the face and get out of the status of a deceived, he makes her marry this guy, pays for their wedding, and then quietly sleeps with her already as the lover of a married woman. In short, in this kind of plays it is very important to understand your place on the stage.

3. The main danger is that such a relationship - as silly as it sounds - is corrupting.

There is a great temptation to be stuck in some kind of incomprehensible status for life. You begin to perceive yourself as a kind of half of a person: what kind of strange family friend is this, in fact? It seems that you are someone to her, but it seems that you are no one. Remember that prolonged adultery with incomprehensible prospects is a hundred times more lousy than the most formal marriage. If you are really ready to replace her husband, then strive for it, but no, then end this dangerous bagpipe.